evan david paul

evan — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 02:34:15 +0000

black, white, purple and blue
light and dark are both pointing at you
lying there a cloud in a dream
smiling floating glowing beam
god called all his minions for this one

So princess of the night
how do you like your light?
with lots of green or lots of blue
of course there will be purple too
you dont have too choose
cause there’s no way to lose
god called all his minions for this one

masons, demons, angels, faeries
all come at me with their berries
one bite and you’ll have the sight
but no fear everything’s alright
god called all his minions for this one

the sky is falling
the signs are calling
with or against the world conspires
be the king who never expires
god called all his minions for this one

bend me break me
give me take me
climb up slide down i see the way
this game is here to play
god called all his minions for this one

evan — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 13:48:40 +0000

I watched myself ride into a ditch
I didn’t get hurt, didn’t even fall
but i rode into the ditch
knowing that it was not where I wanted to be
accepting momentary loss of control
watching momentary loss of control
slowing it down and restarting
no catastrophe, just a reset
sleep

evan — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 13:43:41 +0000

love the darkness too
love the weakness and the human fallibility
love the mistakes and misunderstandings
love the embarrassment
there is no hiding
there is no running
what would i run from anyway? myself?
I put on this leash
I could take it off
but the downs are worth the ups
I wouldn’t change it for the world
I made this world
I am making this world
the scars will be the best parts
love the wounds, the baby scars
love the heartache and longing
love the fears
love the whole wave

evan — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 20:32:24 +0000

If i could start life over
and this is not that I regret
but to simply try another
or keep one as a pet
I would start singing as a baby
and never close my mouth
sing a verse to mom for feeding
and the chorus to let it out
I would serenade my sister
and lullaby the mouse
My teething would be screeching
and all would know my pain
As I take my first steps
they practice and prepare
for the ballad of a lifetime
for in awe they will stare
my life would be a spectacle
and everyone would watch
its not that I want them to
or that I care at all
I sing to make reality
its the only way i know
try to teach me another
I’ll watch your silly show

every man

evan — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 20:10:06 +0000

every man can be jesus
kind and caring with power to heal
every man is the son of god
its just a way to feel
there is no anger needed
sadness is a waste of time
life is what you make it
I see what could be mine
the challenge is not what you want
there is no pain in gifts
the hard part is who you are
and what you choose to miss
you can have anything you want
but desires are always sweet
when you get your ice cream
its all about the way you eat
if you bite to hard it will bite you back
and if you take too long it drips
but take your time and gently lick
and you’ll be happy til the tip

evan — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 19:25:48 +0000

bend like the day don’t end
bend the rules and bend yourself
bend your neighbors and bend the road
bend your shot til something explodes
bend like a pretzel and bend like a band
you need no rubber to stretch your own hand

evan — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 18:59:43 +0000

Balance like a tight rope walker
balance like soap box talker
faster, slower, tighter, looser
Is there an opposite of eager? patience.

Timing is everything, but do not hesitate
do not procrastinate and do not wait
timing is everything, do not ejaculate

The goal is in the game
the game is the goal
we make the game
we make the rules
when we play the game
we break the rules
evolve
better rules
better game
breaking rules before they’re written
writing rules becomes the game
new rules on top of old
that work together as the same
the golden rule game

evan — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 15:04:22 +0000

“Can I eat these?”

“Of course you can, but you will never see me again if you do. We’re still 20 floors down and you will never make it to the ground with them in you.”

“But they’re just like what we ate before.”
“They are what we ate before, but things work differently down here. ”

“You’re right about that, the air feels thicker.”

“That’s just the beginning, look in the windows.”

He rubs clean a small whole and peers through to the dimly lit room inside. Gently glowing faces flicker blues and greens as they stare passively forward twitching occasionally, but never turning.

Gasping and nearly falling backwards he whimpers, “I didn’t know they were real. They always tell us that we have this choice, but I didn’t think it was a path anyone took.”

“Life can take strange turns, keep climbing, we have a long way to go before the sun comes up and we don’t want to be caught down here.”

“We could have been out hours ago if it wasn’t for all these awful webs”

“You say that now, but you were feeling different when they caught you”

“Of course, but couldn’t they make them neater, leave pathways back up, you know make some sort of system to it. Instead of this chaotic mess.”

“It only looks like a mess to you, imagine if you were the spider making it. Billions of strands, just between the few floors we can see here, all strung building to building and no knots, no massive balls of tangled raw material, even after we come crashing through it over and over. There is some sort of brilliant system going on here”

“Spiders? this stuff is man made.”

“The spiders are man made, the web is spider made”

“Now you’re scaring me! we’re clinging to the side of a building hours from the ground and now you’re telling me there are giant spiders lurking in the shadows.”

“Not giant, tiny, they’re all over right now and you don’t even notice”

This crosses the line he has drawn in his head and he passes out, falling gently backwards to be caught by silky webs made by the very beings he was afraid of.

“This is why I took you up there,” he whispers, “its the only way to see whats below.”

Day 4

evan — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 16:24:56 +0000

The restart. This is probably the last of this series. Something very full circle happened in first half of today. I wake up at 3:30, then 4:30, 5:30 feeling groggy, not wanting to get out of bed at all. This bothers me, I should get up and go for a run, yoga, pushups, why do I feel like shit today? Of course, the weed, the beer, going to sleep feeling disconnected and not in control of my own head. I was an out of tune instrument and this needed to be fixed. 6:30 i finally get up and go on a run, stretch, yoga, run. I take it very easily, but I stay at it for a while, do a headstand, and head home for breakfast. Jane has escaped, I’ve been telling my mom work weeks that keeping her “trained” to stay in the garden is an impossible goal, but oh well, she will be back when shes hungry.
We leave for work, dad drives as usual, I’m practically asleep in the passenger side. Sabrina text’s and I wish her luck and put my phone down, wishing that I could do more than make her wishes. The RPI dude comes on the radio and talks about meeting his creator. Then entering the pearly gates and everyone sitting around in gardens having a good time. Then he wants to explore and goes down south and finds it hot down there and everyone is getting naked and having a big old party. He goes back to his creator tells him he would like to stay down there, so he goes back. This time its too hot and not fun at all. They tell him that last time he was there they were just campaigning.
That poor summery of a story is way too true (i wish I could play the real thing for you) and made me panic a little inside. It was almost exactly what I was just thinking about the experiences of my last few days. Then on top of that, when I realize that while listening to it I miss texts from Sabrina, my heart nearly collapses. These sort of synchronicities and un-synchronicities are so common that they are the pretty much the beat of my life now.The more we tap into noosphere, the god-head, the universal consciousness, whatever you call it and the more synced we are with the other people and life around us the more messages me recieve. We get messages from the universe when we are missing a message from the people we love. But really we could get messages about everything from everyone everywhere, its all about how harmonized you allow yourself to become. The more messages we receive and understand the better, but missing them is ok, there is no avoiding missing some of them. The world will always go on, and for as long as we let it, life will just keep getting better.

Day 3

evan — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 15:19:20 +0000

I have two things planned for this day. I am going to call Sabrinaa and I am going to have lunch with my grandparents. I wake up around 9 and do my yoga/pushup routine which I am surprising getting pretty disciplined at doing every day. I want to call now but she might still be in bed and nobody wants to have a conversation right when they wake up. So i go online, write, read, kill time. Then i go to my grandparents. I trim their hedge which was fun, i fix their computer. I look for an axe in their house but they don’t have one. I ask my grandfather for a knife that is on his tool bench (I don’t have a good knife, but this wasn’t a good one either, so it was silly to ask for it, and he knows this too, but would never mention it). He plans on giving me most of the tools on that bench anyway. They are moving to a retirement home and getting rid of everything. We go to lunch, its a little awkward, I am trying way too hard. I like my grandparents and I’ve been trying to be very good to them, but we’ve never been close so there’s not much to talk about. On top of that, my grandmother has alzheimer’s so I am really just talking to my grandfather while making jokes with my grandmother who has a great sense of humor now. Dinner is served restaurant style in a dining room, there are strange rules like if you want coffee, just flip your cup rightside up and someone will fill it for you. I decide to do this even though I don’t regularly drink coffee. The long lunch ends, it was good despite it being exactly like I expected it to be. I head home feeling a little odd, both closer to them for spending more time with them, but at the same time farther away because I feel we made no progress towards knowing them better.
I call Sabrinaa and although I love hearing her voice and getting to catch up on what we’ve each been doing I have gnawing feeling inside about the phone call which I assume she feels the same about for two reasons. We have always been in sync in that way, not necessarily being in perfect rhythm but being completely aware of whether we are or not, and also the way she gets off the phone. The magic we created in person cannot be followed by phone calls without some disappointment, there’s a better way that I already see.
I decide I want to spend the rest of the day alone. I need some rest and I would like to draw and write.
It is still early in the day and I decide to go on a walk. Now I make a decision here that I should not have and I want to dissect it so I do not do it again. Unknown to my knowledge my ex had left her bowl at my house and had recently asked me to find it and return it. So I found it and there was some weed left in it. Until this point I had completely ignored this, but for some reason it seemed way to fitting to smoke my last bowl that I would smoke for an indeterminate amount of time out of my exes bowl. And since I was going to be alone for the rest of the day it shouldn’t be a big deal. I know this was a bad idea as I was getting it, as I was walking, and as I smoked it. The moment after I smoked it my lungs felt smaller, my head felt cloudy. There was nothing beneficial at all. I ignored these feelings and tried to make the best of it anyway. I walked around and thought about creative forms of communication, art and language. It was good. I decide to walk a direction I’ve never walked before, straight up 203 towards Spencertown. I’m barely passed the Getty when I run into Pete, we chat briefly and I leave with the feeling that he thinks I’m totally nuts, oh well Pete is cool. I continue my walk, now determined to talk to no one I go into the borden pond reserve, why do I think this is safe? I walk through and run into no one. Then I exit where I didn’t intend. My plan was to exit on high street by Tom Hope’s house. Instead I come out on Jones ave.
I am walking straight down the middle of the street when interesting things start to happen. I see Val driving straight down the road towards me and in between us, right in front of Val’s house is a cat. Also in the middle of the road, just looking at the car. Eventually it moves and Val pulls in. Normally I’m sure she would have noticed me walking down the middle of the road towards her, but I get the feeling that because of the cat, she totally missed it. So I keep walking straight, expecting to say hello, but secretly not wanting to. She is on her porch, turns towards me, I raise my hand to wave, and her dog barks, turning her attention again. Surprised I just keep holding my hand up as I walk by now jaw dropped at how she hasn’t noticed me. I then pass behind a bush just as she turns to talk to her mother, who also has no idea I am there.
I walk down the hill feeling like a ghost or some sort of ninja, then the doubt starts sinking in that maybe she did see me and I was just a jerk. Fears of rumors spreading that I am a creep that walks by peoples houses and doesn’t say anything overwhelm my head and I realize a quick phone call can easily solve this. I make the call and of course there was nothing to worry about. She didn’t notice, but she loves the story, and wants to know what I am doing. Nothing. I go home, now completely content to settle in. I look to see if the movie I am downloading is done, its not, pandora won’t work while its downloading, and nothing I have is the right mood. At this moment Val texts inviting me to the pub. Terrible idea I think, but I am awful and turning down invitations. So I bike down, Val is talking with Jim about nonsense and having a great time I feel exactly how I should have expected, not totally up for this. I again suck it up and push on through, knowing I will learn something from the experience.
I frequently say awkward things that should be conversation killers, but I am so good at catching myself at this point that I keep it going. Jim keeps talking about crazy drug experiences he has done, going to sleep right after popping acid, eating peyote for months straight. It is very clear what I have to learn from this, I am beyond this. I have allowed myself to drop back temporarily and I will not do it again.